We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
It's hard being an adult. And by that I mean it's hard to tell the boy you like who rejected you that you can't share a room with him at white party because you don't want to see him bang other boys.
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
Seeing your boyfriend, side piece, and great white buffalo, all in one night? Its a sign right?
Proceed with caution.
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
Randomize