I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
No, I don't think Michelle is a squirter. And if I've had anal sex, the Obamas have.
Maybe you should have studied instead of worrying about who is going to have sex with you
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
we used the bottom of a tampon for coke since no one had a 20 on them. My life has resisted to this.
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
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