God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
I got to watch him fuck me from behind in the reflection of an ornament. so glad I decorated.
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
Of course I have a pirate flag
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
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