Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
so, just learned that EVERYONE heard pretty much everything last night. my roommates were surprised to learn you're a dirty talker.
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
all i remember is that her bootyshorts said 'shameless' and that there was no turning back.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
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