When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
My vagina knows your penis is sad about Andrew Luck. You should come over and let her comfort him in his time of need
Randomize
