i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
We hooked up last night. I think it was great for our friendship.
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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