I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
well most of my day revolves around power hour
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
Randomize
