Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
That was like a fiery explosion of flailing arms and wonderful passion
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
you haven't really lived until you are in a situation where your vagina is hanging out
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
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