tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
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