i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
She was asian and in a relationship... my two weaknesses
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
Everytime Our professor said "penis fencing" in class today we took shots.
if Anne Taylor knew what she did in her clothes, she'd be banned from the store.
oh come on, it's the perfect length summer dress to blow a stranger in the bathroom in
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
We could probably bang our way to enlightenment. However acid helps.
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
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