he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
We're hate flirting, damnit.
Randomize
