I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
According to last night if you on the sidewalk at 12 a|m\nYour a WHORE !
So does it count as really great road-head if he ran over 3 mailboxes before realizing he was off the road?
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
Randomize
