i think the semi hot bartender might actually be a man in drag..on a similar note, what are you drinking?
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Randomize