it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
i just deleted him from my phone. and yes... I did just text you this from less than 20 feet away.
I'm not judging.. I sure as hell am not getting out of my bed to come talk to you about this. but i support your decision
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
Yeah. I asked if there was a finger in my ass at some point or if I had a weird dream. So far he hasn't responded
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
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