i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
yeah a little bit of me felt bad about it. But the rest of me was having sex with him.
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
I know he’s a bad decision but he's casual, his penis is amazing and his technique is on point.
this is an emotional support booty call
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
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