so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
I just took my birth control with a water bottle I found in my purse with vodka in it in Spanish class. 10am is still too early for me.
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
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