just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
When that rick ross song came on he started ripping up dollar bills and pouring out drinks on the floor. I'm all for ignorance but it was a little excessive for a wedding
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
Randomize
