What happened to our ballroom dancing plans
So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
she has double-d's AND she knows what level Pidgeot evolves. don't tell me she's not a keeper
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
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