how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
Randomize
