I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
Is it bad that we're talking like nothing happened?
Ah. Blossoming love after wild blackout drunk sex.
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
He's getting so into these sexts, I hate to tell him I'm fully clothes, watching Bring It On and eating chips and salsa.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Randomize
