his balls ACTUALLY tasted like nuts
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
I am the poster child for what not to do during sex. Soon they will be calling an undesired position after me
i've decided that sluts are like cars. they may look good as hell on the outside, but you never know what kind of shit is hiding under the hood.
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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