We literaly had to peel your fingers off the jose cuervo bottle and lock it in someones room
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
just passed my midterm while getting a blow job. i love going to school online
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
I'm so sorry for trying to eat your puzzle last night...
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
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