hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
I'm just saying; the box truck will cost less then dorms or rent, and we can always crash where the party is.
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
Randomize
