I did the walk of shame to another booty call
I don't think that should turn me on, but it does
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
Okay I’ll say it... THIS MOVIE FUCKS
That’s probably the first time I've heard Little Women described that way and I love it
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