I'm kindof freaked out about my cock not getting up this morning. Cove over later so I can sort this out. Do not post this on texts from last night.
Damn that would have been a great one. Hahah and don't worry...
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
Randomize
