i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
Yeudjkisdjxbfceryuj. i love having a qwerty keyboard just so i can do that.
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
She came back in her actual cheerleader uniform. Made a bad bj tolerable.
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
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