Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
Judging by what she did last night, I would say at least 4 of them have mono now.
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Randomize
