He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
Ah. Hot spring. Infinitely less skeevy than a hot tub. These North Carolinian dudes are all class.
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
Randomize
