She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
Okay, quick math test. If our entire group can do at least 6 shots a night, how much alcohol will be needed to keep us shit faced for the rest of the week? This is for a grade. Anddd, go.
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
Being the only woman in a triathlon group - it's a penis paradise.
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
Randomize
