____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
she's not even a shacker, she never made it inside. she's just a porch girl
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
Randomize
