Is it weird that I have contacts who i've classified as DO NOT ANSWER?
Lol no its called college
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
No one suspects that a sweet girl who is excited about her anniversary with her bf just blew her partner at work in a communal area a few hours ago, so its cool.
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
Randomize
