Locked eyes w/ her at mainstreet, and said 'yeah yeah get it!' From there we started violently making out on the dancefloor (I had a FULL boner, ps) and then I got her number
I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
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