I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
So on facebook, the pictures from my church mission trip are right up next to the pictures of my first time on E. Sorry Jesus.
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
I'm watching porn in spanish. Thats studying right?
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
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