I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
i jus got home and totaly forgot i had nut all over the back of my shirt
..im mad u rememberd about that
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
I guess I'll just chalk it up as a learning experience and a lot of great sex.
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
Yo I get this girl alone in my room last night but she bounces cus she thought the full house poster was "weird"
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
Randomize
