why was he too nerdy?
he was a tetris block for halloween
I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
Randomize
