I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
Also this guy in my contact as hairy jerry sent me a pic of him shirtless and said I miss you and I have no idea who he is /when or if I met him but that's not normal?!
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
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