so my mom told me to suck on something if I have to cough. so I guess blow jobs are ok
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
I feel like I should I write an apology note to the frat for falling down stairs, passing out on the couch, and chugging the entire bottle of burnetts at semiforml last weekend. Apparently I was the main topic of discussion at their chapter meeting last night.
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
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