Brandy, I need a picture of your boobs. Not time to explain.
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
gymnastic barn sex. fuck i wish i hadn't blacked out
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
Randomize
