Over it. He probably jacked off to bible verses last night. I don't want that
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
we're at Rob's house and just invented the best drinking game ever....we are on Chatroulette and everytime we see a dick we all have to drink.
He said he had a gf but the monogamy was "only implied".
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
Randomize
