Well, ive pounded a baby into a stripper and a girl who was on jerry springer, a 16 year old is logically next.
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
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The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
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i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?