Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
Are sex swings allowed in dorms
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster