Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
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