i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
I wanna dance tonight. i just wanna grind my ass in some man's dick.
Ok love is a little strong. But he consented to Nachos, beer and board game date with my cats. Keeper.
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
Randomize
