birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
he woke me up with all the stuff I had at his house in boxes i had to unwrap my own belongings and he said. Happy v-day its time to see ya day! Worst day ever
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
Randomize
