Did you just see the Batmobile???
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
I'm home alone for the next hour and a half, I expect soup and and a willing attitude to do drugs from one of or both of you girls.....annnnnd go
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
