You can't special order awesome
How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
His penis has been a bonding mechanism beyond comparison.
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
Another reason why I like dubstep now, it makes me feel even higher than I already am.
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
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