Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
The foreigner finally woke up and the first thing he did was look up a map of the u.s. His destination is to pennsylvania.
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
You were trust falling into bushes
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
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