real busy. everything is packed. thats why we ended up at the strip club
Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
i wonder what barack obama's brickbreaker high score is...
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
I am currently in the waffle making stage of highness
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Randomize
