I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
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how are pickles made is in the google history again... why do you always wonder that, and forget the answer?
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
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Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
You pole danced in your parka.