tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
He made sure to throw up on the Mexico side of the border while we were in line at the check point. Then finished by screaming you an have it back. You can have it all back.
would it be subtle enough if I played birthday sex on repeat while I may or may not be stripping?
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
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