Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
Well regardless of where or with who you will be blacking out and i will be pouring shots down ur throat like a baby bird
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
Randomize
