I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
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I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
I think my nap took me to another dimension
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
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And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
Dude just saw some some guy puke out of a car window on the highway going to school.
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
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