I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
We have started to decorate penises.
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
Randomize
