The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
Well idk about you but my nose is all recovered for the weekend.
Well there is another shower in Nov. So I have three months to figure out how to get some drunk space fucking. May need some of your mead
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
I actually talked to his parents last night about it. haha. I had a bottle of smirnoff in my hand, I'm sure they took me serious.
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